In a Situationship.

Hi all,

I know I know its been a minute.....well more like a few months! I have been keeping busy with an unplanned trip back to the motherland to see me dear Nan through ramadaan and as usual an influx of wedding madness in the mix and other family events after that! (I’m actually at work typing this and not at my usual nocturnal spot at home with the lamp shade as my only form of light at home!).

Lately I have just felt the impulse to just do things that I want and when, no dilly dallying and hanging around.
However with this in mind I had reluctantly and dragged my feet by ''Put myself back online/out there'' and got chatting to someone and after 9 months of no dating or anything and I recently met up with this fellow....however it was a case of ''Nice guy but no'' This ''date'' also comes close to my 20 minute date as this had been done within a second record timing of 55 minutes and that included sitting down, ordering food, eating, small talk and at then an good bye at the tube station! 

I guess its the whole chatting via what’s app and then meeting in person can deffo show you and tell you that they are very two different things.  However I do kind of think looking back that throughout our chatting it was more banter and small general talk, I guess because I know now that I personally hold back until I meet someone....but then there are times you do click with someone and can talk and talk till the cows come home. I guess all in all it comes down to 'Clicking’. When you can just chat crap, deep intellectual, meaningless, silliness everything under the sun kind of conversations 24/7. And it’s rare. It’s like a rare occurrence that you come across such a thing, when you really truly click with someone on all levels and I think that is what I am finding hard, as much as I am open, I just find that others I have met do not really get who I am....well I seem to think so these days.

I think these days it's hard to find someone who really listens, understands and know what small things make your heart melt, make you tick and just in general encourage you to be better.

I feel that everyone is so guarded...or in some cases can even be shady and just quite selfish.  And that is what I find off putting...selfishness....such a ugly characteristic to have.  But you cannot really know someone unless you are both open, nothing held back, just being your raw self, no frills, nothing hidden, being humanly honest....I say humanly because end of the day none of us are perfect...if someone was perfect then clearly they would be a robot or something.

When getting to know someone, I find the random obsessions, weird funny habits endearing and always take such things into account. I’m not an avid fan of flower senders... I think guys who send flowers are unoriginal, that is my personal opinion...I think it's the easiest gesture and a no brainer on woo-ing. Some of you might think it’s a lovely gesture, but I take greater pleasure in seeing flowers in their natural habitat and doing their thing and having their moment blossoming where they should be.  But in general maybe because I have met a lot of guys who are not at all thoughtful. or just never bothered to scratch the surface...I am not a diva of any sort as I have been blessed and been able to make myself happy and content, however I have not come across someone who knows what random small thing would make me smile or mean something.

One question that I do get a lot in the messages I get from dating sites in person is ''Why? why are you single?'' One guy who was far too young and pointed this out, said ''Are guys blind?''...as much of a flattering remark, it did ping home and put a lump in my throat as I have no answers, ask me anything and I can give you an answer, except that one question....I really can’t, maybe because it’s something that pulls on my heart strings and makes me speechless every time and the weird thing is every time I am asked it comes a shock...a reality check maybe that I have been single for so long.

I recently had a conversation with a friend and like myself is always in the same sort of situation, talks to someone, strike up conversation but nothing really develops, but there is banter but nothing seems to move forward.  There is no definition of what is going on, and I guess the only way to describe it as a...well...''Situationship''.....I love this...next time someone asks me for my status I’m going to be like I'm in a Situationship....the situation being...... that I'm forever single...(for those of you wondering I am in my 30's!).

However being single for so long has its ups and downs....I’ve seen everyone around settle down, have babies and get into some sort of life routine....where as I can pretty much uplift myself and go where ever I want to...I have seen close ones go through difficulties through relationships, seen the ups and downs, the make ups and in some cases's the break ups and it’s not easy...I guess in that sense when I see and hear of such things it makes me glad I am single and makes me more guarded in some cases.

I guess I am at a point where I don’t know what else I can do except for live, love, laugh and pray....I honestly don’t know what more I can say and do anymore.....Dizzy rascals words just popped into my head ''A heavy base line is my kind of silence''... as much as that is a bit of a juxtaposition of two things, sometimes there are no words for feelings, just sense.
Deep down I know there must be a reason why I am single and all I can think of is that the one above has his reasons and it’s all down to timing and that I just have to keep on doing my own thing...I can’t believe we are in August already and just like Del boy I used to think ''This time next year...'' But I can’t even do that anymore, I really can’t box my life by dates and timelines.....I have let go and become a bit of a nomad on this journey....I have heard wonderful things of other peoples encounters.....I just hope one day I have my own encounter......