Saturday 22 July 2017

Feeling stuck....

How have we now only got about 4 more months until the end of the year?? Madness!

More people getting married, those who are with baby number one are now onto baby number two, and all I have is my job and a street cat that lovingly follows me around...I guess the latter is a little something of nothing...But at least I am getting a bit of unconditional affection somewhere right?

It has been emotional...It seems the hardest thing to accept is making future plans....Alone....I never thought at this age that it would be like this for me and it has been proving a difficult aspect to ignore as this is reality.

Those who know me, know that I am always there for them all giving my wise words, advise, care and love that I best know how to give and show. Yet when it comes to me, I do hide when I am feeling down and insecure and when I do open up the slightest, I come face with silence and always have to deal with things alone or how I best know how to.

I have been so down the past week and it seems I can only be my own source of comfort, I am being totally honest.  I have never had someone I can lean on and just be comforted and I have to probably accept that it will always be like this.  When this happens I always start to think what do I lack that others have, why is it so hard that to find someone.  As people see me as a strong independent person, I actually feel unwanted and unlovable. I have never had someone truly be there for me or comfort me...It's hard....I have never been someone demanding and I hate it when someone asks me 'Why am I still single'' - 'What's going on with you lately' - 'Ahh it will happen'...Well...mid 30's later...ITS NOT. The more time goes on, the more it has dented my confidence that is one thing for sure I have learnt.

Social media has had a massive impact on daily lives, everything can now be seen 'live' on all platforms.  The same old devil can creep into your head that you are indeed being ignored if you simply send a message to someone and see that they have been online else where.  That can always plant a seed of doubt into anyone's head and of course lead to misunderstandings.  Communication is such a big important key thing for me.  I always think life is too short and therefore always reaching out...But then again I know that can make things a one way thing and therefore I guess it's my own fault for having expectations for thinking others will reach out to me how I do.

I think feeling like this has not helped the fact I have been sucked into the whole 'Love Island' escapade. (YES I KNOW TRASH TV)  To think that they have no work or responsibilities to worry about and only have to ensure they look good, interact and go on dates really does not help.  Being sucked into the world where they have all the time in the world to spend all their time with someone and watching this is really, really unhealthy.  It is like a surreal world that makes you think of yours and how shit is it that you don't have someone special in your life making a massive fuss over you.

I know only I can make myself happy again and I hope to get back on track with my own help.  I have learnt the hard way over the years you cannot rely on anyone but yourself.  In a way writing this is helping me move forward and working on my plan of action.  Its been hard and I hope to get creative again as that also seems to have disappeared. Netflix still seems to be my companion at the moment, always there 24/7...So I guess that's another good thing eh?

We all feel lonely at times and I guess we should not feel guilty or bad about that.  We all have good and bad days, but I think it is important to let your emotions out.. And yes I have evenings when I just have a good cry let it all out and then the next day dress to the nines and complement myself and do it for me.....The worse thing is bottling them up and acting like everything is ok when it is not.  So I guess this is me letting everything out right now as I don't have anyone to talk to....But thank you for reading and understanding who ever and where ever you are....Hopefully the next post will be me back on track.....

Before I blog off....About 10 years ago in the Vatican City I became friends with an amazing person who I still consider a dear friend.  Sara lives in New York now but has recently started up an amazing blog post spot which I was asked to write for.  It was an honour to do so, and I guess if you want to know a little more about me, then feel free to click the link below....

But in case no one has told you....YOUR DOING GREAT AND KEEP GOING XXX

http://thesansara.com/?p=367http://thesansara.com/?p=367

Thank you for reading and hoping to the one above I snap out of .....THIS *waves arms around like a crazy cat lady*