It has been a while....I know, so many changes and yet so many old discoveries from my past, from doing a clear out and finding old photos, letters and even old phones with photos and text messages from people you no longer see or speak to. Even emails....When you had no msn at work and whats app had not even been invented there was the form of communication through email.
Over the many years I have met a lot guys, and when they messed up and disappear into the wilderness I would say I have only ever had two apologies in a space of 10 years. One was in person about two years ago when I bumped into the guy at a dinner event in which his wife was there also. Somewhere when everyone got up to mingle and say goodbyes, I was by a pillar and he came up to me and came straight out with it "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything and how things went" He was sincere and I said "Hey its ok, I don't hold grudges, I'm glad your happy". He said hope your keeping well and if you ever need anything just let me know".
Just his apology restored my faith in guys a little more so, I respected him so much for being such a gentleman as I can appreciate it is not an easy thing to do....But it was the right thing and he did not leave it until he said it. See....When people mess up and just "ghost" someone....Do they not realise what they do? They create someone who becomes hurt, which then turns to anger and then bitterness.
From time to time...When I feel low....I read my second apology email which is from about 10 years ago...I read it because it helps me remind me of who, what I am and what my powers are. It makes me realise my worth and what I want and deserve in life....Seems a bit odd I am sure....But then again no guy had opened up their heart to me and told me simply this. I think this is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It takes a simple genuine "Sorry" to stop more bitterness and more love into put the world.....
Im not entirely sure if this was going to be a good idea as for weeks I have been trying to write this email but kept putting it off I guess afraid of the response and may be because of my guilt…I guess my conscious wouldn’t let it go. I couldn’t blame you from deleting this email because im pretty sure im the last person you would want to hear anything from.
I wanted to write down all the things that made me do what I did, but these words would only be excuses and im tired of that. I want to say I was wrong the way I conducted my self and even worse was the way it ended… something I should of said a long while back was.... Im sorry. So Sorry for all the hurt and sorry for all the heartache and pain. My aim was never to upset or disrespect you in regards to who you are and what you are about...but I did that, the aftermath of it has made me feel angry mostly with my self and the circumstances.
It hasn’t suddenly just dawned upon me that I did wrong, I have felt and known about this for a while now, I guess when you hurt someone you just know you have. As they say the Almighty could forgive but if you have hurt someone and they don’t forgive you, well your in a lot of trouble… and I think I am. I sit down sometimes and all I do is think about you all the nice things you did for me, the nice things you said to me, the care and affection you showed, made me feel like something else and most of all the way you smiled and laughed it truly has left a gaping hole in my life I feel empty and bitter - I sometimes think Ive lost my mind. Deep down I knew even then that my decision would be wrong and the biggest looser would be me. Im not sure if youregoing to believe this but what ever I did, I did it with the best intentions, its not that you needed my sympathy or that im a bigger person, you see for the first time I left my wants/needs aside and didnt just think about me here and now but the future, I always had this in my head 'what will be best for her rather than just me', Problem is I didnt get this bit right and how things went awfully bad – I should have been much clearer more honest about certain issues from the very beginning but neither could I articulate it properly and instead made silly immature comments rather than spoke to you about it. I thought long and hard at the time and instead of confronting things head on and I thought I dont want to make things worse I just decided to walk away, and I guess thats when my slepless nights and guilt begun, the burden of it was too much for me to handle and thats why it lead me to write this.
This isn’t easy by all means but neither do I want to rock the boat, you have probably forgotten about me and moved on, you certainly deserve to. Out of anyone I have got to know you stood out miles ahead, your something else as a person and individual, your a rareity and beyond comprehension, particularly mine. I can’t change what happened and sometimes I wish I could go back in time with all the dumb and stupid things I said and did, but I cant. I realise im full of faults more than goodness, its sad but someone like me cant even think about settling down because reality dictates I need to battle my own demons before I end up ruining someone’s life - and thats something I couldnt have done with you in the long run. Your precious and you belong to someone who will give you the basics and all that is good and more. You never asked for much but really you deserve a lot.
Im going to hajj next week and before I make peace with my maker I want to make peace with you so I pray you will find it in your heart to forgive me in fact I beg for your forgiveness, for all the wrong I did. I pray that one day you may forgot my actions. I will in turn pray for you that one day soon you will wake up and all the pain you feel or have felt goes and that you truly find peace and happiness who ever it may be with. Something I have learnt from the errors of my way is that I care for you a lot and the feeling wont just go away like that. But I am sorry really really sorry.